OF THE FORD
THE PERSONAL HOMEPAGE OF THE AFOREMENTIONED
A comfortable, accepting place for Ford to speak of himself glowingly and in the third person. Here (and sadly only here) does Ford let his hair down; but at half an inch, there is hardly an appreciable difference either way.
YOU CALL THAT A NAME?
A ROUGH APPROXIMATION OF FORD’S APPEARANCE:
HEARTFELT TESTIMONIALS ABOUT FORD:
“All work and no play may not have made Ford a dull boy, but it was probably something along those lines.” ― Ford’s best friend / caseworker
“Ford is a lot of fun. For instance, he makes a very interesting sound when struck with a hammer.” ― Maxwell Edison
“Gods! Even I would take that nose for prosthetic.” ― C. de Bergerac
“I wouldn’t trust Ford any farther than I could afford to send him by airmail.” ― anonymous relative
“The truth is, we haven’t seen him in years. We hope and trust that he is well and happy, and further hope that he will bring the minivan back with a minimum of damage.” ― Ford’s parents
RECENT ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF FORD:
― Awarded 1998 Nobel Prize for Sanctimony. Refused as a matter of principle.
― Brokered peace deal in the Middle East. Involved a certain number of sexual favors.
― Secretly masterminded the Republican takeover of Congress in 1994, and the election of George W. Bush in 2000.
(Who knew that college thesis in ballot design would pay off?)
No, not really.
Why do you wear black all the time?
I wear black on the outside, because black is how I feel on the inside.
Isn’t that the same thing you wore yesterday?
No. I changed my cologne.
Why don’t you wear shoes?
Laces are too difficult to tie, and I refuse to wear Velcro® as long as Velcro® farmers are exploited by the forces of capitalist globalization.
What an interesting voice. Has anyone ever told you that you should be on the radio?
Once, during a television audition.
Not technically a question, but no.
This game show has the most preposterous premise that can possibly be imagined.
What is ‘Jeopardy’?
Could you take off the Groucho glasses for a minute so that I could take you seriously?
Yes; but this is my real nose.
How many colleges have you dropped out of?
Three, so far ― not many, relative to the total number of colleges.
Are you a communist?
Boxers or briefs?
I respectfully decline to answer on the grounds that it may tend to incriminate me.
What is Avogadro’s number?
6.02203 x 10²³ particles per mole, or thereabouts.
Have you ever killed someone?
No one has given me a reason until just now.
Seriously, dude, you call that a name?
You’re only jealous because you didn’t think of it first.
ASSORTED, IMPORTANT, MOSTLY NON-FORD-RELATED FACTS TO KNOW:
― Indianapolis is located at the exact geographical center of Marion County.
― The real Dread Pirate Roberts is, in fact, still alive, and living like a king in Patagonia.
― In order to maintain airspeed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second.
― Ford doesn’t own a slide rule; but he is the sort of person who would.
― Skeezix pronounced backwards is still, essentially, Skeezix.
― The population of China is approximately 1.3 billion times as large as the population of the room that Ford is in right now.
― ‘You ain’t’, ‘it ain’t’, and ‘they ain’t’ may be bad grammar, but ‘I ain’t’ weren’t.
― ‘Guilder’ and ‘Florin’ are two different names for the same Dutch currency.
― Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.
― The truth will set you free; or if not truth, then jury nullification.
― The possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3720 to 1.
― Despite what the dictionary says, there is no such word as ‘Indianan’.
― Paul is dead.
― There are persuasive reasons to believe that Ford has already won $10,000,000.
BOOKS FORD HAS ALMOST WRITTEN RECENTLY:
― The case against ‘Digital fortress’
― I was James Frey’s prison lover
― The first of the last five self-help books you will ever need
― The lost theorems of Paris Hilton
― some novel about a writer loosely based on his own life
― How geology explains the world
― Fabulous success from nothing but beauty, famous parents, good luck, and a trust fund
― Placid interlude: the life of Gilgamesh, volume IV
― Esoteric stories about New York that you should read anyway
― Sudoku till you puke
FORD RESPONDS TO THE WHOLE ‘GOD’ CONTROVERSY:
If I had wanted god to believe in Me, I would have revealed Myself to him.
FORD RESPONDS TO THE WHOLE ‘INTELLIGENT DESIGN’ CONTROVERSY:
If I had wanted intelligent design to believe in Me, I would have revealed Myself to him.
TRENDWATCHING AD NAUSEAM:
New thing kicks old thing’s ass is the new new thing is the new old thing.
or, as we must now say,
New thing kicks old thing’s ass kicks new thing is the new old thing’s ass.
I THOUGHT WE WERE ALL SICK OF THIS. WHY IS IT STILL HAPPENING?
Kissing Kate (1913) Raising Arizona (1987) Making Mr. Right (1987) Loving Lulu (1993) Chasing Amy (1997) Loving Evangeline (1998) Breaking Benjamin (1998) Loving Jezebel (1999) Judging Amy (1999) Being John Malkovich (1999) Kissing Jake (1999) Teaching Mrs. Tingle (1999) Kissing Mr. Covington (2000) Drowning Mona (2000) Crossing Jordan (2001) Saving Silverman (2001) Kissing Paul Newman (2001) Knowing Richard Black (2001) Stealing Roy (2001) Stealing Candy (2002) Kissing Jessica Stein (2002) Loving Angelique (2002) Kissing God (2003) Owning Mahowny (2003) Stealing Sinatra (2003) Stealing Rembrandt (2003) Teaching Teo (2003) Capturing the Friedmans (2003) Loving Alfie (2004) Breaking Adam (2005) Stealing Martin Lane (2005) Stealing God (2005) Stealing Mary (2006) Loving Annabelle (2006) Forgiving the Franklins (2006) Becoming Jane (2007) Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008) Stealing Bradford (2008) Taking Chance (2009) Kidnapping Caitlynn (2009) Saving Grace B. Jones (2009) Saving Grace (many times) (and, dear gods) Finding Mary March (1988) Finding Sarah (1991) Finding Christa (1991) Finding Kelly (2000) Finding Forrester (2000) Finding Buck McHenry (2000) Finding Hope (2001) Finding Mr. Right (2002) Finding Jack Kerouac (2002) Finding Joy (2002) Finding Alice (2003) Finding Nemo (2003) Finding John Christmas (2003) Finding Electra (2003) Finding Kate (2004) Finding Grace (2004) Finding Eleazar (2004) Finding Neo (2004) Finding Leo (2005) Finding Preet (2006) Finding Charlie (2006) Finding Rin Tin Tin (2007) Finding Amanda (2008) (And here, I must give credit to the makers of ‘Who the #$&% is Jackson Pollock?’ (2006), working title ‘Finding Jackson Pollock’, for resisting. Still a crappy title, though.)
I THOUGHT WE WERE ALL SICK OF THIS, TOO. WHY IS IT ALSO STILL HAPPENING?
Grey’s Anatomy — Poetic Justice — Good Will Hunting — Joan of Arcadia — Crossing Jordan — Stealing Candy — Tru Calling — Finding Joy — Finding Hope — Hope & Faith — Will & Grace — Saving Grace B. Jones — (and, at least five times each) Saving Grace — Murphy’s Law
PEOPLE WHO HAVE DOCTORATES, BUT YOU’D NEVER KNOW
Robert Atkins — Joyce Brothers — Zbigniew Brzezinski — William H. Cosby — Wayne Dyer — Joel Fuhrman — Temple Grandin — Sanjay Gupta — Jack Kevorkian — Martin Luther King, junior — Henry Kissinger — Phil McGraw — Mehmet Oz — Drew Pinsky — Laura Schlessinger — Benjamin Spock — Cornel West — Ruth Westheimer — your personal physician — your dentist — your chiropractor
ENGLISH CRITICS OF RENEE ZELLWEGER AS BRIDGET JONES ETC. CAN SUCK IT
Non-North American actors who have played North Americans: Simon Baker — Kate Beckinsale — Emily Blunt — Saffron Burrows — Daniel Day-Lewis (who played Abraham Lincoln, ferchrissakes) — Chiwetel Ejiofor — Rupert Evans — Joseph Fiennes — Ralph Fiennes — Hugh Jackman — Nicole Kidman — Alex Kingston — Hugh Laurie — Ewan McGregor — David Oyelowo — Paul Scofield — Jesse Spencer — Naomi Watts — Emma Watson — Kate Winslet — Owain Yeoman
ONE LESS-THAN-EARNEST BIT OF SCRIPTURE:
Sura 37:102. And when his son was old enough, Ibrahim said: “My dear son, I have seen in a dream that I must sacrifice you.
Look, what do you think?” The son said: “Honestly, I think it sounds like a bad idea.”
ONE LESS-THAN-EARNEST BIT OF SOCIOLOGY:
Ameliorative experiences mediate in cryptoinformative and hyperderesonant nodes of contentiating frameworks under postarchetypifying and snerkty eschatologies harmonically eructating distinct isodimorphic solidary metaphenomena.
ONE LESS-THAN-EARNEST BIT OF PROSE:
Thomas Friedman’s Three Meaninglessnesses
WHY THE TRADE DEFICIT ROCKS SO BLEEDING MUCH:
If imports continue to outstrip exports, eventually the United States will have all of the world’s stuff.
WHY WE NEED TO REPEAL THE ‘NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND’ ACT:
I have already compiled a long list of children I would like to see left behind as soon as possible.
CHIEF SOCIAL AND ECONOMIC BENEFITS OF THE INTERNET:
― removal of need to pay for privilege of reading magazine advertising
― redress of shamefully-inadequate length of world’s members
― instantaneous global transmission of fleeting, inarticulate remarks
― detailed photographic records of important demographic groups (e.g., 18-24-year-old females in textile impoverishment)
― display of self-serving, self-promoting, pseudo-self-deprecating personal broadsides
― redistribution of wealth from entrepreneurial class to geek class
― expansion of loss-leading sales strategy from local to international markets
― “You’re soaking in it.”
ALPHABETICAL LIST OF SELECTED BAROQUE COMPOSERS:
Johann Christian Bach
Johann Christoph Friedrich Bach
Johann Sebastian Bach
Karl Philipp Emanuel Bach
Wilhelm Friedemann Bach
HISTORICAL PHOTOGRAPH THAT LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE FORD AND HIS BROTHER:
German foreign minister Karl von der Furt (r.) with Bolshevik leader V.I. Lenin at the Königsberg Conference, 1910
HERDLIKE CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE CREATION OF A LIGHTER GOOGLESPHERE:
French military victories
Weapons of mass destruction
FOR THOSE WHO TIRE OF THE MADNESS OF FRIVOLITY AND WOULD PREFER THE MADNESS OF TEDIOUS ARDOR:
Earnestness of an institutional sort: The stewardship
Earnestness of a personal sort: The general account
A FEW PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET THAT FORD KNOWS PERSONALLY:
A FEW PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET THAT FORD IS PERSONALLY:
UCLA geography: O.T. Ford
Any of the preceding that seems like something you have heard before probably is.
Any of the preceding that seems like something you ought to be getting royalties for definitely is not.
Any of the preceding that seems insulting was probably intended for you personally, and not for others like you.
FORD’S COMMENTARY: OTFORD.TUMBLR.COM
Of The Ford
to the extent that anyone should be taking credit for this
Of The Ford